Discipline
Hi there,
My hubby and I are struggling with our 4 1/2 year old son whom's behaviour has become out of control. He is yelling, screaming and running away when he is not happy with what is happening around him. we dont know what to do - we have tried the naughty/ timout spot (still works occasionally although starting to look like he enjoys it), counting to 5 and then following through with the action stipulated, doing to him what he does (eg taking toy, pulling hair, ect as done to his younger brother). My hubby used to be able to settle him by holding him and talking with him but now he is too strong to hold.
Does anyone have any suggestions that we haven't tried? It scares me to think that he is out of contol at nearly 5 let alone what is to come.
Thank you for your time.
King regards
Chelsea
it's not just "behaviour", it's overload
Hi, I know this discussion took place a little while ago, but would like to add my comment.
It's important to separate the "behaviour" of an NT (neuro-typical) child from the complete meltdowns of a child on the spectrum. The NT "behaviour" can be dealt with in a behaviourist fashion - ie naughty corner, etc. The ASD child melts down because of some form of sensory/stimulation overload and at the point they melt down, they are completely overwhelmed and cannot self-regulate any more. That is why a lovely regulatory activity such as holding and rocking can be so calming.
So when a child melts down, recognise they are overwhelmed and find a calming activity. As they become older, you can articulate it for them "I can see you are overwhelmed, it's time to find a safe place to calm down" and not even deal with what they did (hitting, puching, screaming) until they are calm. Then it is a case of "I understand that you were overwhelmed (or whatever word you choose) but it is not accepable to (hit, punch, scream). I will help you calm down and we need to think of good activities to calm down" and work with the child to come up with strategies. Often the strategy has a rhythm to it that can help the child - marching, swinging, trampoline, rocking, deep massage; or takes their mind off things - counting, lining up toys, whatever.
Don't just address the "behaviour", address the underlying causes of the overload. It's unfair to treat the child as a "naughty boy" (or girl) as the rest of society would have us do. As a mother, it is our right to understand and meet our children in the best way possible.
A similar but different example:
My child went through a stage of hitting his brother whenever his brother cried. We started by giving him consequences for the hitting - to no avail. I had an "a-ha" moment one day, and next time it happened, I was sympathetic. "Do you feel scared when your brother cries". "Yes". So I provided comfort and when he was calm, talked about "I understand you were scared, but hitting is not acceptable. When you are scared, I will comfort you" (Fortunately he accepts comfort from me, but when he doesn't he is allowed to choose to "calm down" in his bedroom). We have continued to provide comfort to him when somebody is upset, and talk him through the process of "that child is upset.....that adult is comforting them.....see, that child is OK now..." sort of thing.
Part of his fear is the dislike of the sound of crying and we have talked about how the hitting will make the crying louder, and comfort will help the crying to stop. Another part of the fear is the fear that his brother will be sad forever.
Anybody who got this far, thanks for reading!
Just a thought
Discipline
Well it is lovely to be on the forum at the same time as another Mum. Hi, Proud-Mum! (message below)
Thought I'd post a quick here-here! Very similar to our situation recently and we took a similar path. Maybe we spoke to the same "professional"! We have also come through the worst of it and we had the growing spurt thing too so perhaps there is a relationship there.
Actually, having a completely different child on our hands now (literally Jeckyl & Hyde!), we have noticed that the developments in speech etc since the horrors are very noticeable. We lost some words etc during that bad patch but we have them back plus some now so maybe that animal period (around 2 - 3 months for us too) was worth it in the end (hard to tell yourself that when you're in the midst of it though!).
Hope that helps, Chelsea. All the best.
Discipline
Sounds a bit similar to the situation we have recently been through. I posted a forum topic then too as I wanted to know if this kind of stubborn and completely unruly behaviour continues on forever! Happy to report that, at least for now, we have come out the other side of that. It does seem to get bad at around that 5 year old mark for some reason. We had a growth spurt going on at that time too. Not sure if that was related. The screaming was unbearable with kicking and headbanging thrown in for effect.
We tried all the usual mainstream stuff too with no joy whatsoever. Would like to tell you there's a magic wand but to be honest all we could do in the end was to separate him from everyone else while he was carrying on and only let him back into the civilised world when he stopped. I suppose that's a bit like time out but that would suggest that he sat on a naughty spot like a civilised little human when really he had no choice. It was suggested to us by a professional (I promised I wouldn't say who because I think they knew it was a last resort suggestion!) that we shut him in his room till he was done. It is important of course to make sure he can't hurt himself in there and be aware that he might trash the room so you might want to think about what's in there if you go down this path but it definitely lessened the duration of the meltdowns. As soon as he was done, we let him out right away and acted like nothing had happened. It really was just a matter of battening down the hatches till the stage passed.
I'm sure we'll get another bout later, but here is my best tip - it doesn't stay at that intensity forever. Our really bad (EXTREME) patch was about 8 - 12 weeks long. Hang in there!
Discipline?
Just my two cents worth (one child is 9 years, other is nearly 12 years)....
Each of my boys at times have gone through these really trying periods. In fact my youngest is going through an unusual form of the same thing now. The only thing that seems to work for me is to completely ignore the bad, separate child from everyone else, wait until child calms somewhat. And yes, furniture, walls and doors do get injured, but that is probably better than another family member being injured!
I could never use naughty chair, etc., because it just then becomes a game of "catch me if you can". In fact, I think all my attempts at discipline are treated the same way, and I am back to the self doubt of my parenting skills. When I am in the middle of the awful period, I just feel like I can't cope with him anymore, and I need to send him to boarding school before I end up in an asylum. He brings out the worst in me when he is like this. I find I have to dig really really deep for even more patience, more even-temperedness(?), more understanding, etc etc. But then when he snaps out of it again, he becomes and absolute angel, who you can't help but love to bits... I guess you all know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I didn't think I'd be pouring my heart out like that, but there it is.
Good luck and hang in there because it does pass, but it will probably happen again, sorry to say. It just makes you really appreciate the good and quiet times. When I was pregnant, I thought I'd be the world's best mother... but I guess everyone thinks that!
Also, I started medicating my eldest son at age 5 1/2, even though it sickened me to the core that things had reached that stage. We had by that time tried diets, behaviour management, professional massage, chiropractors, early intervention, etc. The medication has definitely made a difference. It's not for everyone, though. I only went down this path because there was no family life, and the other sibling wasn't even getting a look-in.
I love my boys and would never be without them... not even boarding school! Sometimes it's hard to keep focussed on the big picture.
I don't know if all my rambling has made things better or worse. So I'll stop. All the best.
Yours in Ongoing Chaos, Michelle T "Everything that is normal... only to the extreme" (Tony Attwood)
thank you
Hello,
I just wanted to say thank you for your words and thoughts regarding our challenges at the moment. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one going through this "patch" - my heart goes out to you all too. I sometimes wish that I too could switch from heckel to Hyde instantly - lol would make it a little easier understanding and dealing with my emotions.
thanks again.
Chelsea